Life will always force you to make difficult decisions, and it wasn’t until January 2018 that I decided to be fully committed to strengthening my relationship with God. The sad reality was on New Years in 2018, I spent most of the day in the hospital because I wanted to seriously hurt myself. I was on my way to work in the morning when suddenly I burst into tears and my thoughts fixated on ending my life. My stress levels reached their peak after a breakup, a lay-off at my job, and a realization that I had no control over what was happening to me. I felt helpless, and I wasn’t keen on going through a lengthy process of healing and enduring the pain of it. I was exhausted in all levels, body and mind, except my spirit yearned to seek God.
“Those who seek God will feel after him and find him because he is not far from us.” (Acts 17:27)
People nowadays may believe there isn’t a need for spirituality, but honestly, it saved my life, and it gave me strength in moments when I wanted to end my life. However, having grown with God now, I learned that I needed to give God my life instead of holding it for myself. Placing my trust in someone I haven’t physically met allowed me to surrender memories, traumas, and mistakes that were hurting me.
Jesus [said], “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.” (Mark 2:17)
I once placed my worth in the number of mistakes I made or by the number of people who mistreated me. My thoughts were “if this number of people mistreat or say false things about me then it must be true,” or “If I wasn’t strong enough to resist temptation then I must be cheap, easy, unworthy, etc.” None of these awful labels were true, however, my mind made a big deal of it because I centred my worth on what other people said of me.
“Therefore, since we are the offspring of God, we ought not to think that the Divine Nature is like gold or silver or stone, something shaped by art and man’s devising.” (Acts 17:29).
If you believe God created you, you must believe also what he says about you; you are worth more than anything of value on this Earth. God wants us to follow him in his footsteps, and he made it easier for us to feel for him through Jesus, see John 3:16. Therefore, by forgiving me, God had cleansed me, see Acts 10: 11-15.
No doubt I will be judged on the true intentions of my heart when I die, but for now, I know I mean no harm to anyone. For God says:
“Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.” (Mathew 5:8)
I needed to learn to forgive myself because God already did, and when I started to believe that I started to hear God’s will for my life: he wanted me to learn to stick up for myself, to realize that I deserved better, and he wanted me to see my own worth through his eyes only. At this point, nobody else’s voice mattered and I found peace in that. As a result, I had spiritual growth.
Maybe I am motivated now to have a relationship with God more because I felt like I messed up big time in 2017, but also, I could see no other way of it happening. He finally caught my attention, and I am in a happy and more stable time in my life because of it. The storm can rage on and the wind can blow at me, but I sense it in me that I can endure almost anything life. Jesus tells it best on how appreciative I feel about my situation…
“There was a certain creditor who had two debtors. One owed five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. And when they had nothing with which to repay, he freely forgave them both. Tell Me, therefore, which of them will love him more?”
Simon answered, “I suppose the one whom he forgave more.” And He said to him, “You have rightly judged.” (Luke 7: 41-43)
…Therefore I say to you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much. But to whom little is forgiven, the same loves little.” (Luke 7:47)
In this season of my life, I want nothing more than to be surrounded by people with positive energy and genuine hearts. Therefore, the best part of 2019 is that I spent it with kind and caring individuals, true friends! No hospitals. Note: the quality of people you surround yourself daily does affect your spiritual energy and overall mindset, so changes in this area are essential for spiritual growth. You will need to weed out people who don’t add value to your growth. If you can’t cut people out of your life because of family relations, then be prepared to stick up for yourself by minimizing interactions with them and setting new boundaries on how they treat you.
I have yet to discover what God has in store for me now, but I sense it has to do with finding my motivation to finish some long-awaited goals and make more connections with positive-spirited people. That’s the gist of it for me, but God will always have bigger plans!